A short while ago, when I told my good friend Mr.C about my cross-dressing, he was very reasonable, but after some thought, he told me I should be very careful about who I shared this information was. I do not remember his exact phrase, but the warning was something along the lines of "some people may use this knowledge against you".

I thought about this for a while and realised he was right. I have never engaged voluntarily in politics of any kind and I especially loathe office politics. Those who are politically astute rarely seem to spend much time doing productive work for the benefit of all, presumably because they're too busy marketing their own brand within the organisation. However, since shutting my own company down, I have acknowledged that even if I don't use politics actively within the company I work for, I must be astute enough at least to defend myself against others who will.

So I decided to carry out a pre-emptive stike against anyone who might try to use this information against me; I decided to tell my manager. I've known Mr.R for a long time now so I knew that he would either back me up completely, or if he had an issue with my cross-dressing he would have it out there and then. So, I told him, explaining that the information was in the public domain and several colleagues knew too, so it was more a question of WHEN the word spread rather than IF. I expained that it only represents a tiny portionm of my life and I will not allow it to imact on work in any way. Mr.R said fine, no problems! When Mr.C found out what I'd done he said it was a brave move. Not really brave, I just told truth told because I'm fed up hiding and I won't live in fear anymore.

I have told many people now, and it seems as though perhaps the greatest problem to someone coming out of whatever closet they are trapped in is themselves. We are our own worst enemies. Obviously there are a few people out there who won't handle the news well for whatever reason, but happily, it seems like they are in mthe miniority.

Well, Saturday is the big night for Penny. Meal out in London with about 30 other trannies and then clubbing! Preparations are nearly done, although I have singularly failed to get a bigger handbag instead of the stupid matchbox thing I have! I got a number of text messages from M today, and it's obvious she's getting very excited too.

All weekend I've had a warm glow, partially because of the fire in the grate, but mostly because we've ordered logs for the first time. It felt like a really homely, countrified thing to do. The trouble was, I had no idea how to go about ordering them. What size logs and how big a delivery? What on earth does half a ton look like? Is that enough for a couple of weekends or two winters? I decided to go for half a ton, the smallest load on the basis that it was half a ton more than we've ever ordered before.

The next big day for Penny is nearly here! The hair on my forearms is trimmed back so that it doesn't criss-cross darkly. Last night I shaved my legs. This needs doing several days before an event so that the skin calms down and and cuts made from the initial shave have time to heal!

Sadly one of the 'girls' I was looking forward to meeting has pulled out at the last minute due in part to difficulties at home which I think means, problems getting permission. This is sad, but entirely understandable. I have changed the rules with D over my own outings. I offered not to arrange any trips unless explicitly agreed by her. In spite of her own distaste for this 'hobby', she has okayed Saturday's event.

Christmas, I love it! If it's cold and it snows then I'll love it twice as much. The cold weather isn't bothering me on my cycle to the station each morning, which I guess just means I'm wrapping up well. Admittedly it's only a 5 minute journey, but when your cycling, the first 5 minutes are the coldest.

Perhaps at last this year, I'll get the chance to take my children tobogganing. About three years ago, I bought a toboggan in a fit of insane optimism. The woman in the shop quietly pressed the buzzer under the counter, warning the heavy crew in the back room that a loony was in the shop. She knew, like the rest of the population of the South East that there wasn't going to be any snow that year, but she still sold me the only toboggan, ordered years ago before global warming kicked in.

She was right of course. There was no snow that year, or the next, or last year. I will feel I've failed to provide my children with a proper childhood if they haven't got memories of shooting down a slope towards a barbed-wire fence at breakneck speed, beating their hands together and stamping feet to force some life back into frozen extremities.

Maybe this year though...maybe this year, and then I'll be the one laughing as we head for the snow covered South Downs, past queues of people trying desperately to buy toboggans. Ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha,hahahahaaaaa...(evil genius laugh).

Normally, when I'm getting ready to go out as Phil, the routine consists of finding a clean shirt and perhaps running my hands through my hair. Easy.

By contrast, the process of getting ready to go out as Penny begins weeks in advance. For example, I've been growing my fingernails for the last three weeks. This isn't as easy as it sounds. To stop them from breaking, I have to cover them with a clear varnish. Trouble is, the varnish I bought wasn't matt and the shine was just too obvious, so once they've dried, they need to be buffed with a fine emery! Of course as a woman, you can't go to two big parties in a row wearing the same outfit, so I've had to do a bit of shopping. One major purchase has been a coat as the weather-folk keep predicting glacial temperatures over the next few weeks.

Other things to consider are what nail-varnish and lipstick to use to match your outfit. What handbag to use, whether to take a spare pair of tights or stockings, choose jewellery (if any) that goes with the ensemble. When staying over at a hotel, don't forget to take all makeup kit including makeup remover (yes boys, soap doesn't do the job as well and isn't good for your skin).

If it's a party, you'll need your phone and a good digital camera, because the one in your phone doesn't really take good enough pictures. So now how on earth are you going to fit them into the handbag as well as the lipstick, tissues, mirror, spare hosiery, purse and keys?

In addition to being more complex at an emotional and biological level, women are complex at the equipment level too. No wonder they get cross with us!

Scoffle ( http://scoffle.blog.co.uk ) made me laugh recently with a post in which her husband complained that women were complicated. This photo shows the scale of the problem!

Enjoy!

I'm reminded of the 'Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy' when Ford Prefect describes hyperspace as "It feels like being drunk."
"What's so bad about being drunk?" asks Arthur Dent.
"Try asking a glass of water." replies Ford.

I feel drunk, but with none of the more pleasant effects...damn! And all the time, I just keep thinking...but tomorrow, or the day after, I will be better. Many others are less fortunate in their illnesses. If you have read Akerman's blog, you will know what I'm talking about.

I asked D what we could do to make the planet a better place. Ever practical (and starting with the problem of global warming), she suggested we fit eco-light bulbs throughout the house, get the house insulated (intra-wall) and start turning things off instead of leaving them on standby. It's a start. Later I will see if she has any suggestions how we can help to reduce world poverty. I pledge to the readers of this blog that by the end of January 2006 I will have arranged a standing order from our family bank account to charity. We used to donate this way to Greenpeace until a growing family outpaced my income.

Hi folks, I'm suffering from the lurgy and have ducked out for the day. Was poorly all weekend, but not incapacitated with it. A fever of some sort, brains like mashed potato and temperature unstable. Urgh!

I don't know about you, but I can't stand those Lemsip adverts..."Lemsip Max Strength" or whatever it is. Drink this, cover up all your symptoms and be a hero at work (and then take two weeks to recover fully instead of just 2 days). We're here to do more than just work, and it seems extraordinary to me that so many people value their apparent status at work above their health. It's dangerous, woolly-headed thinking. The plain truth of it is that if I fell under the Big Red Bus tomorrow, life at work would sail on without me, hardly a ripple in the fabric of operations.

No. I must rest and get better, properly. BTW, I've tried Max Strength once and it was all I could do to keep it down! I very nearly chucked it's so horrid. Probably intentional, to stop people glugging it back all day...even so.

Today's post is dedicated to two of my blog colleagues.

http://akerman.blog.co.uk - Please visit Akerman who is having a tough time and could use your support and in particular, read posts in September.

http://redtongue.blog.co.uk - Phinebooty is a wonderful, intense person who is the most prolific writer I have found so far.

Have a good weekend ya'll!

It's a beautiful frosty morning. The sky is blue and pink, the grass is white and the white disc of the moon presides over it all. Just magical!

Today's post is dedicated to Harple and her husband Wotuse. Harple is an architect and S is a craftsman and they are the most kind and generous couple I know. While Harple's parents are away, S has been fitting a new and sorely needed new kitchen for them free of charge. Harple and S are even paying for a fat chunk of the cost of materials.

The whole thing is beautifully done, as usual with S's work, and you should see the glass tiles! Apparently they're a nightmare to cut, but the end effect is wonderful. But...the best thing of all was the "soft-shut" drawers! Oooohhh! D and I have got a lovely kitchen at home, but we don;t have "soft-shut" drawers. I stood in the new kitchen sliding those drawers open and shut for about 10 minutes. You give them a push and they slide in up to a set point, engage with a spring and damper mechanism and then just pull themselves gently closed. They're a marvel to watch. I've got kitchen drawer envy, real bad!

Sorry I didn't post anything yesterday. I just failed to get back into the groove after four days off. Naturally I survived looking after the children and D had a great time away by the sound of it. Now all I need to do is find something at work that equals the joy you feel when you go to pick up your 3 year old daughter at nursery and she runs at you shouting "Daddy" and flings her arms around you. Fat chance.

I went to see another film last night...'The Constant Gardner'. What can I say? It is beautifully shot and it's a moving film. It is a sad and depressing endictment of the West and of corporate greed. The film is all too shockingly believable in its description of big pharmaceutical companies using the people of Africa as human guinea-pigs and such is my dejection with our politicians that it seems almost obvious that this takes place with the full knowledge and clandestine support of ministers and goverment officials.

I feel like the little dwarf in 'The Year of Living Dangerously' when he types "What then must we do? What then must we do?"

A friend of mine works for the International Red Cross. A couple of years ago, he told me that 30% of the funding for the ICRC comes from the USA. He said that the ICRC was concerned tha it's reliance on America was so high, and as my cynicism matures it's not hard to see what kind of potential leverage that means.

"Oh just pop it in the microwave," said D breezily as she left.

And those were my instructions on how to melt chocolate to spread on a cake. I had a bad feeling about this, and I wasn't disappointed. I microwaved the chocolate, stuck a spoon in and as soon as I began to stir, it all turned into a lump with consistency of congealing plaster! There was no way this would ooze nicely over the cake.

Damn! I'm never microwaving chocolate again. I'm gonna melt it over a pan of boiling water next time. But how does D do it?

Thinking swiftly, I managed to rescue it with golden syrup and Cointreau to a point where it could be spread onto the cake. Oh well, the kids'll sleep soundly tonight!

D took me out to see Elizabethtown last night. She really loved it, but even though I'm normally OK with girly films, there was something about this one that just kept me from loving it. It was interesting and fun, but I felt it was a bit muddled. Just my opinion you understand. Claire (played by Kirsten Dunst) was too forward and unattached to be real. Drew (played by Orlando Bloom) lacked dimension and seemed a bit puzzled by the character he was trying to portray. Another weakness was the reliance on American cultural symbology which was never convincingly ties in to the "why it's worth going on" theme.

In short, if you like films where the guy gets the girl (or vice-versa) and you're not too fussy about the plot, this one may be for you, otherwise go for "Garden State" which is simpler and much more convincing for it.

In other news, Miss.T, a colleague at work who knows about my alter-ego, has been very sweet and asked me whether I wanted any of her shoes as she is having a clear out. Happily our feet are the same size! Bless her.

Right! This Friday, D sets of on her annual girls' weekend away. 3 nights of wine, chat and complaining about deadbeat husbands. I'm taking Friday and Monday as holiday so that I can get the children to school and do the housework (yeah, right!).

So, please excuse me if I don't post on Friday or Monday. I may be busy shouting at the children to put their clothes on, to clear their stuff away, to wash their hands, to stop hitting each other and to stop shouting!

If you're in a quandry next time you visit the video shop, get "Garden State" starring Zach Braff and Natalie Portman. I liked it so much I got it on DVD last Friday too and very nearly watched it twice back-to-back. The airport ending is a bit predicatable, but that's OK because the rest of it is so fresh. It's a great little film that my wife and I went to see when it was released. It's one of those films that disappeared without a trace (in the UK anyway) and almost no-one seemed to go and see. Shame. It's enough to convince you that some Americans are actually in tune with real life and the simple things. The music is good too. I'm gonna get the soundtrack.

That film brings to mind "What's Eating Gilbert Grape", another lovely non-Hollywood film about ordinary people. Again, another one that practically disappeared without making a ripple. Johnny Depp and one of Leonardo di Caprio's first. Did you see either of these films?

It's official...vegetals invented maths. Take a look at this wonderful thing that came in our organic veg box! It's absolutely amazing, I think you'll agree. Each of the larger nodules is comprised of smaller nodules and they in turn of even smaller ones, each identical to the other in design. Of course this isn't really new. Many plants such as ferns display a fractal design too and are just as beautiful as this Romanescu or whatever it is.

Well, whatever...D and I ate it. Roast chicken and potatoes and steamed fractal. Tasted just like cauliflower. Yum. Maths has never tasted so good!

In other news, Otherphil and I did escape down to the coast yesterday for windsurfing. It was utterly gnarly! We checked out several beaches along the South Coast and all were deserted. A few hardy locals were out at West Wittering. Otherphil and I rigged up as the anemometer was registering Force 5 which is usually about right. We both struggled badly in the waves with the wind and the current and when we hauled ourselves back to the anemometer it wasn't hard to see why. The wind had picked up to a Force 7, but gusting from 6 up to 8!

I am shocked at how unfit I felt. Even allowing for my bad leg, it was really quite frightening how rapidly my strength ebbed away as I battled to waterstart in the brown rinse.

Oh, here's one more thing. D pointed out how strange it is that on the 400th anniversary of "Guy Fawks" night there has been absolutely NO buildup or special celebration. We reasoned that it was probably because, under a forthcoming government act, this may be (mis)interpreted as incitement to glorification of terrorism with quite a stiff penalty. Go easy with those sparklers little Timmy!

Things at work are somewhat madder than usual! /-{

I hope you fellow bloggers are well and looking forward to a weekend of rest and relaxation, or for the younger ones, some frantic party-going.

Me, I'm going to go with the flow. Eldest daughter has an ear infection. D & I were going out with her sister tonight, but brother-in-law is unwell too, so that's off. D suggested a takeaway though which will make up for the disappointment a little. Tomorrow night, we were going to go en-famille to a friend's birthday/fireworks party, but that may be called off too if eldest daughter doesn't get well.

C'est la vie! If I'm really lucky, the wind will fill-in on Sunday and I might even get another day in the wet stuff.

I've finally figured it out! Sorry to all those who already sussed this.

The government aren't introducing ID cards to combat terrorism as it almost certainly won't help. No. The main reason they want us to carry ID cards is so that they can combat benefits fraud! It's the only argument that holds water on a financial level.

I finished 'The Alchemist' (Paulo Coehlo) last night. Harple lent it to me. Its narrative style grated with me, but the message was loud and clear. Be true to yourself, follow your dreams and find peace.

Another book I finished recently was 'Shadow of the Wind' by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. This book was beautifully written. In a rather more superficial way, as the book is essentially a mystery-thriller, the message at the core was the same. Life is fantastic! We should marvel at world in all its infinite variety. Drink in the experience of life and make the most of it. Highly recommended!

Well, I've got permission from D for my next night out as Penny. 3rd December. London restaurant, then nightclub.

Now all I have to endure is the agonies of choosing an outfit! And to think that girls put up with this kind of pressure day in and day out! Bless them.